This is making up for last week and not writing.
Here is an interesting thought. You can use it as a writing prompt, comedy material, a new life outlook, a war-cry, whatever.
Society is a game.
Not just American society, ALL society. Any kind of human interaction involving two or more people is a game we are all agreeing to play. This game is complex and involves written rules like speed limits, dress codes, and copyright. It also involves unwritten rules like shaking hands, not peeing in a urinal adjacent to another man peeing in a urinal, and talking with your mouth full.
Many of these rules vary from place to place. There are individual rules varying from family to family, often between different combinations of people within the same family. Rules vary in different neighborhoods, counties, states, ethnic groups, regions, and countries. Granted, these rules are helpful. Total chaos never really gets anything done. However, most of the rules involved in this game are quite silly.
Take this scenario: You go to work at a new job and you are in an interview. Already you have followed several dozen rules: you put on pants that morning before you left the house. You are going to a good job so you put on a tie as well. You matched the color and design of your tie with your pants. You drove the speed limit to get to work (close enough anyway). You parked between two little lines painted on the ground. You maybe held the door open for someone leaving as you walked in. You smiled at the person at the front desk asking if they could help you. You said "please" and "thank you." While waiting, you sat in a chair. What is with all these rules? And most of them are utterly ridiculous!
Assuming you are like most people, you did these things not because they were your idea, but because they are rules for playing the Game. (Also the name of a movie from 1997 with Michael Douglas and Sean Penn. Not bad. Worth checking out. Also also the name of an English TV show staring Tom Hughes and Brian Cox. Haven't seen it though.)
Now that you're at the interview you ask about what your job description is and how much you'll be paid. (LoLz)
Job description: We are assuming that this is a decent job and therefor(e) specialized. Ok. We are also assuming that you have to have a decent education to get said job. Awesome. So, you went to school for at least...16-17 years of your life if you were lucky in college. Now we are going to pay you to use a very small portion of what you were taught. Also, you're not allowed to use other things because we're only hired you to do this one thing.
...awesome!
Salary: They are paying you in digital numbers based of immaterial promises and statistics so that you can go to stores and trade numbers you never saw, touched, or really possessed for cars, suits, and homes; physical representations of the status and power those fictional numbers represent. (in a sarcastic, Glados voice) Congratulations, you are very good at this game.
One of the most powerful forms of informing the public of the rules is advertising. Advertising lets you know what everyone wants or already has. Advertising makes you aware of the need you didn't know you had and how to instantly resolve it. Advertising tells you what to buy and how to buy it. Advertising tells us who to associate with and who to avoid.
"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate you we can buy [stuff] we don't need." (500 points for not naming that reference)
And like any game, there are penalties for breaking the rules. Here you go to prison, or worst case you're executed. You are put in time out. You are sent to your room. However, your new room is a small concrete and metal cell sometimes shared with other people who didn't follow the rules. You have to wear an orange jump suit in your new room and your not allowed to go outside until you've learned your lesson. Or until the rest of us think you've learned your lesson.
Things like gangs and the mafia come up when they are tired of playing the game and what to play by different rules. They come up with their own rules and penalties. They play their own game while pretending to play like everyone else.
Now, I'm not advocating NOT playing the Game. The Game is very helpful in keeping things running. Like I said, chaos gets us nowhere. I just want to call to questions which of the rules are actually helpful.
HOAs: does the length of your grass really matter? New rule: you have to keep your grass one inch long. If you don't........you have to give us one hundred of your numbers!
And people judge their own worth based off how other people judge them based off how long their grass is. What?!?!
Sometimes it feels like there are a bunch of eight-year-old people running around making the rules for everyone. Seriously, let's try to actually think this through!
I follow the rules that keep myself out of prison. I also follow the rules that keep me from getting into major conflict with other players because I don't like conflict. It's awkward and I often don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to interact with conflict. (500 points for that anime reference)
I could keep going but I think the thought is there. Anything else would just be redundant. That and I'm hungry...
Cynical? Yes. Helpful? Probably not. Blogging material? Definitely. Just a different perspective on things. Fun to think about I think.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Questions (or - why bad things happen, hell, thought experiments, and laundry detergent)
I have been slacking/procrastinating. More honestly, I've been avoiding writing. I've had thoughts and ideas but last time I said I would talk about something and I haven't wanted to.
I said I would talk about the concept of if God is love then why do bad things happen and why do some people go to hell. And I didn't want to write because I don't know the answer.
I wrote myself into a corner.
Now, I'm not trying to defend my God or Christianity or anything. I'm not a scholar. I don't have a degree in religion or anything. At best, I am a home-grown philosopher.
I don't claim to know why God does the things He does. I don't know His plan for my life let alone anyone else's life or the universe. I don't know and I can't know. But I do know a few things that help me cope with that concept and what happens in our lives.
1. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Cliche? Yes. True? Also yes. And I don't mean this as in "I ate a tablespoon of dishwasher detergent, went to the ER, didn't die, and now I'm a better/stronger person." No. If anything I would just know not to eat dishwasher detergent. Which I already know. I mean life. What doesn't kill me in life makes me stronger. I have been through some bad things in life. Given, my life is a lot better than a lot of people. My parents never got divorced, I was not abused, none of my close friends/family have died in my memorable lifetime, etc... But terrible things are relative. My life has been easier than a lot of other people's but I have been through tough times nonetheless. However, I do believe I have come out a better person because of it. And not just better for myself, but better for other people too.
Because of my time in my teens where I felt alone, discarded, and betrayed I have been able to talk to several of my friends and help them through similar situations. For one or two of these people I helped them avoid suicide. Because of what I went through I was able to be strong for other people and help them through a hard point in their life. Hypothetical: what if one of those people I talked to becomes a guidance counselor and helps thousands of teens across the world through suicide and on to better lives. How can I blame God for what happened to me if that is the outcome? As I talked about last time, I do believe God is love and therefore everything works out in the end. I believe in happy endings because God is love.
If the ending of the story ends well but I'm not around to read it, does is it still happy?
2. I have free will.
Why do people go to hell? That I also do not know. I just have to trust and believe that things are better that way. And I know from one angle at least that they are. Hypothetical: You are lonely in a world full of robots. You want a spouse so you ask the robots to make one million other humans so you can pick a spouse. You have two options for these created humans. 1: These humans can be programmed to love you. You can have your choice of one million people that all love you. They have no options but to love you! 2: These humans can be programmed to be real people and you have to find the ones that choose to love you. It isn't that they have to love you, they are surrounded by a million people and they chose to love you instead.
Would you want to be loved by people that have to love you or by someone that chose to love you?
Apparently, God doesn't want flocks of people that have to love Him. He wants people who have chosen to love Him. There is a choice. Some will choose yes. Some will choose no. That is all I know.
Is it an explanation? No. Does it help me make it through tough questions like these? A little.
I said I would talk about the concept of if God is love then why do bad things happen and why do some people go to hell. And I didn't want to write because I don't know the answer.
I wrote myself into a corner.
Now, I'm not trying to defend my God or Christianity or anything. I'm not a scholar. I don't have a degree in religion or anything. At best, I am a home-grown philosopher.
I don't claim to know why God does the things He does. I don't know His plan for my life let alone anyone else's life or the universe. I don't know and I can't know. But I do know a few things that help me cope with that concept and what happens in our lives.
1. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Cliche? Yes. True? Also yes. And I don't mean this as in "I ate a tablespoon of dishwasher detergent, went to the ER, didn't die, and now I'm a better/stronger person." No. If anything I would just know not to eat dishwasher detergent. Which I already know. I mean life. What doesn't kill me in life makes me stronger. I have been through some bad things in life. Given, my life is a lot better than a lot of people. My parents never got divorced, I was not abused, none of my close friends/family have died in my memorable lifetime, etc... But terrible things are relative. My life has been easier than a lot of other people's but I have been through tough times nonetheless. However, I do believe I have come out a better person because of it. And not just better for myself, but better for other people too.
Because of my time in my teens where I felt alone, discarded, and betrayed I have been able to talk to several of my friends and help them through similar situations. For one or two of these people I helped them avoid suicide. Because of what I went through I was able to be strong for other people and help them through a hard point in their life. Hypothetical: what if one of those people I talked to becomes a guidance counselor and helps thousands of teens across the world through suicide and on to better lives. How can I blame God for what happened to me if that is the outcome? As I talked about last time, I do believe God is love and therefore everything works out in the end. I believe in happy endings because God is love.
If the ending of the story ends well but I'm not around to read it, does is it still happy?
2. I have free will.
Why do people go to hell? That I also do not know. I just have to trust and believe that things are better that way. And I know from one angle at least that they are. Hypothetical: You are lonely in a world full of robots. You want a spouse so you ask the robots to make one million other humans so you can pick a spouse. You have two options for these created humans. 1: These humans can be programmed to love you. You can have your choice of one million people that all love you. They have no options but to love you! 2: These humans can be programmed to be real people and you have to find the ones that choose to love you. It isn't that they have to love you, they are surrounded by a million people and they chose to love you instead.
Would you want to be loved by people that have to love you or by someone that chose to love you?
Apparently, God doesn't want flocks of people that have to love Him. He wants people who have chosen to love Him. There is a choice. Some will choose yes. Some will choose no. That is all I know.
Is it an explanation? No. Does it help me make it through tough questions like these? A little.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Existence (or - quad-dimensional living, the fundamental fabric of the universe, the essence of God, and hitchhiking)
I have had a few realizations lately that I am going to try to put into words. Digital words.
1: My place within the physical universe.
2: My relationship with the rest of the universe.
I had the realization the other day that I am a single being within a possibly infinite amount of space filled with a possibly infinite amount of other single beings. I am a singular being within the infinity of existence.
I realized I usually look at the world, I look at my life as a painting. I look at things through my eyes. Yes, I recognize the fact that there are three dimensions and that some things are closer to me than others, but that doesn't matter to that which is me. I am me and I am here. The distance between me and not me is irrelevant. But for a moment I realized that it wasn't.
I usually experience the world through my mind. I am the star in my sitcom of myself. I am the lead in the play of myself. I am the focal point of the portrait of myself. Even if no one else is observing. I am me and that is all. But it isn't.
You have a painting. Other than the paint which itself has thickness, the presentation is two-dimensional. You have holograms and 3D movies that present things with the illusion of three dimensions. You also have video games in which your character exists within a digitally represented three-dimensional space. But your experience and interaction are still two-dimensional. We, I interpret the world two-dimensionally. But for a moment the other day I was aware of more.
Let's take the three physical dimensions we are commonly aware of: height, depth, and width. I am a finite amount of physical matter within those three dimensions that can move and interact with other matter withing those three dimensions. I am a single being withing an unimaginably vast existence contained within those three dimensions. I move around from day to day from point A to B and back again. A and B do not exist around me. A and B exist. I exist. A, B, and I all exist equally and with the same significance. I simple interact with them...sometimes. They still exist without me. Places exist. They continue to exist. People exist just as much as I do. They experience just as much as I do. They are just as aware of themselves as I am aware of me. They are just as unaware of me as I am unaware of them. Yet I still exist. And they still exist.
I am not alone.
You are not alone.
The universe is so much more expansive and more real than what we experience at any given point in our lives.
Any given point...
Time. What about time? What if we take time as a fourth dimension as has been presented many times before by other people that think and exist just as much as you or me.
Time is the representation and calculable measurement of change and existence. I propose that time does not flow. We simply exist. Time is not a line. It is not a river. There is no such thing as time. Just as there is no such thing as a meter or a foot. The universe, within the three previously mentioned physical dimensions, does not know a foot. The universe does not exist in pre-determined twelve inch segments. Curious men decided to make these things to figure out how to physically represent the amount of space between two things. The universe does also not know seconds, minutes, or hours. Similar men designed these things to figure out how long we've been here or to measure the metaphorical distance between two experiences.
So, if we say time is our fourth dimension, I am a single instance in that dimension. I, in my consciousness, exist right now. So do many, many other people just as conscious and real as I am. The universe does not experience itself through my eyes like I do. Everything else exists in its entirety. I simple view minute portions of it.
So, with this realization that I am a singular being within a sea of other singular beings, how am I to interact with the rest of this three dimensional universe?
This is where I am going to skip a few things. For instance, I am skipping any thoughts I have on realization of the existence of God. For this entry, I am just going with the idea that God does exist. I am simply talking about His nature and how that affects the way I live/should live.
However, I do want to be clear. I am not talking about what most people will view as God. I have mentioned in previous posts that I am a Christian. That is going to bring up a lot of ideas in a lot of people's minds. Some of them good, some of them not. When I use the word "God" we will undoubtedly think of different things. I do not claim to fully understand God. However, do not picture any pre-conjured ideas about what you think God is or what you think I think God is. I am going with a very basic description for now. It is a true description with many different implications. I am just keeping it simple for now.
Look at the world. Look at the complexities. Look at the way everything works together. Look at the way everything has to work together. Ecosystems, societies, the solar system, the weather, the immune system, diets, the human eyeball. Nothing is solitary. Everything is connected and affects other things in some way. Things have to work together. Nothing can operate on its own if it wants to be successful. If I have to work together with other people, plants, animals, etc... within this three dimensional existence then I have to learn to love. If I am working only for myself to further myself and take care of myself I will fail. We see examples of it happening every day. People who act selfishly inevitably fail. They may have temporary facades of success but we all know and realize they fail in the end. And sometimes before the end. Acting in that way, a way that fails and is therefore futile, is selfish. The opposite of being selfish is loving.
What is love then? What if we say love is living for the betterment of someone/something else. This may mean that you are working at the betterment of someone else at your own expense. It doesn't always mean that, but it may occasionally. This does not mean that you do something nice for someone else so that they will do something nice for you. "I scratch your back so that eventually I can call it in and you can scratch mine." That doesn't work. It's not love when it leads back to me. Love has to be solely for the other person.
Altruism? No. Just because something is good for you or benefits you does not mean it is bad. You cannot deny yourself good things. If you did you wouldn't eat, drink, or sleep and the human population would make it about four days. That's just stupid.
Good things for myself do not equate bad. But that shouldn't be my focus. Everything in life has been designed to work in harmony with everything else and I should be a part of that system. That system is love.
I believe that is what being a Christian means. To be a loving person. And to be a loving person, like, always. In general. To everyone. Everything.
I believe that God created the universe. I have come to believe that the universe works in harmony with itself and all its respective pieces interact with all the other pieces because God is love. Not that God is a god of love like Mars is the god of war. I mean that God is love. It is His very nature. It defines His existence. And He created the universe. Therefore the basic moral and functional code of the universe is love.
I do not believe Christianity is following a bunch of rules. I do not believe that you have to follow "these" X number of steps or rules to find happiness or success. I do not believe you have do do X, Y, and Z to have a happy marriage. I believe that the answer to it all is love.
What is the meaning to life, the universe, and everything? (think deep for the 42 kudo points on this reference)
Love!
Why do we exist? To love!
What is the chief end of man? "To glorify God and enjoy Him forever." K, what does that mean? "Glorify God." How do we do that? How do you suppose we could glorify a God of love? A God whose very existence is love?
Honestly...no idea...
DUH, love!
"But what about me? If I'm so concerned about loving everyone else, who will love me?"
That is a valid question! Everyone needs to be loved. That is true. And not just loved, but people need to know they are loved. It doesn't count to love someone from a distance and do nothing about it. K, to be honest, that's not really love.
And here's a complication: people cannot love 100%. Humans are broken. I love my wife, but not perfectly. Sometimes, I just suck... :( I try to love her the best I can, but I honestly fail...sometimes with epicness.
So what do we do.
Remember that whole God is love thing? God loves us. God loves me. God loves you. And God loves perfectly. So, if God loves perfectly, I don't have to worry about it. I can love other people as best I can because I know I am covered.
The Ten Commandments (other than being a REALLY long movie) is a list of what things should and will look like when you love. They are NOT a list of what you should do to be a good Christian. Your goal in life should not be to be happy. Your goal in life should be to love. Because God is a God of love and he created the universe. When you love you get closer to God. You get closer to the One who created the universe. And that is a happy place.
When you love, you are closer to the heart, the core of the universe. When your goal is to be closer to God you end up getting closer to the fundamental fabric of the universe. And that's a good thing!
There are other issues that arise and questions that people ask about all of this: then why do bad things happen? If God loves everyone then why do people go to hell?
These are fantastic questions that should be asked. Secrets don't help. However, this blog is already really long so I'm gonna call it a night for now and delve into my thinking about some of those later this week.
1: My place within the physical universe.
2: My relationship with the rest of the universe.
I had the realization the other day that I am a single being within a possibly infinite amount of space filled with a possibly infinite amount of other single beings. I am a singular being within the infinity of existence.
I realized I usually look at the world, I look at my life as a painting. I look at things through my eyes. Yes, I recognize the fact that there are three dimensions and that some things are closer to me than others, but that doesn't matter to that which is me. I am me and I am here. The distance between me and not me is irrelevant. But for a moment I realized that it wasn't.
I usually experience the world through my mind. I am the star in my sitcom of myself. I am the lead in the play of myself. I am the focal point of the portrait of myself. Even if no one else is observing. I am me and that is all. But it isn't.
You have a painting. Other than the paint which itself has thickness, the presentation is two-dimensional. You have holograms and 3D movies that present things with the illusion of three dimensions. You also have video games in which your character exists within a digitally represented three-dimensional space. But your experience and interaction are still two-dimensional. We, I interpret the world two-dimensionally. But for a moment the other day I was aware of more.
Let's take the three physical dimensions we are commonly aware of: height, depth, and width. I am a finite amount of physical matter within those three dimensions that can move and interact with other matter withing those three dimensions. I am a single being withing an unimaginably vast existence contained within those three dimensions. I move around from day to day from point A to B and back again. A and B do not exist around me. A and B exist. I exist. A, B, and I all exist equally and with the same significance. I simple interact with them...sometimes. They still exist without me. Places exist. They continue to exist. People exist just as much as I do. They experience just as much as I do. They are just as aware of themselves as I am aware of me. They are just as unaware of me as I am unaware of them. Yet I still exist. And they still exist.
I am not alone.
You are not alone.
The universe is so much more expansive and more real than what we experience at any given point in our lives.
Any given point...
Time. What about time? What if we take time as a fourth dimension as has been presented many times before by other people that think and exist just as much as you or me.
Time is the representation and calculable measurement of change and existence. I propose that time does not flow. We simply exist. Time is not a line. It is not a river. There is no such thing as time. Just as there is no such thing as a meter or a foot. The universe, within the three previously mentioned physical dimensions, does not know a foot. The universe does not exist in pre-determined twelve inch segments. Curious men decided to make these things to figure out how to physically represent the amount of space between two things. The universe does also not know seconds, minutes, or hours. Similar men designed these things to figure out how long we've been here or to measure the metaphorical distance between two experiences.
So, if we say time is our fourth dimension, I am a single instance in that dimension. I, in my consciousness, exist right now. So do many, many other people just as conscious and real as I am. The universe does not experience itself through my eyes like I do. Everything else exists in its entirety. I simple view minute portions of it.
So, with this realization that I am a singular being within a sea of other singular beings, how am I to interact with the rest of this three dimensional universe?
This is where I am going to skip a few things. For instance, I am skipping any thoughts I have on realization of the existence of God. For this entry, I am just going with the idea that God does exist. I am simply talking about His nature and how that affects the way I live/should live.
However, I do want to be clear. I am not talking about what most people will view as God. I have mentioned in previous posts that I am a Christian. That is going to bring up a lot of ideas in a lot of people's minds. Some of them good, some of them not. When I use the word "God" we will undoubtedly think of different things. I do not claim to fully understand God. However, do not picture any pre-conjured ideas about what you think God is or what you think I think God is. I am going with a very basic description for now. It is a true description with many different implications. I am just keeping it simple for now.
Look at the world. Look at the complexities. Look at the way everything works together. Look at the way everything has to work together. Ecosystems, societies, the solar system, the weather, the immune system, diets, the human eyeball. Nothing is solitary. Everything is connected and affects other things in some way. Things have to work together. Nothing can operate on its own if it wants to be successful. If I have to work together with other people, plants, animals, etc... within this three dimensional existence then I have to learn to love. If I am working only for myself to further myself and take care of myself I will fail. We see examples of it happening every day. People who act selfishly inevitably fail. They may have temporary facades of success but we all know and realize they fail in the end. And sometimes before the end. Acting in that way, a way that fails and is therefore futile, is selfish. The opposite of being selfish is loving.
What is love then? What if we say love is living for the betterment of someone/something else. This may mean that you are working at the betterment of someone else at your own expense. It doesn't always mean that, but it may occasionally. This does not mean that you do something nice for someone else so that they will do something nice for you. "I scratch your back so that eventually I can call it in and you can scratch mine." That doesn't work. It's not love when it leads back to me. Love has to be solely for the other person.
Altruism? No. Just because something is good for you or benefits you does not mean it is bad. You cannot deny yourself good things. If you did you wouldn't eat, drink, or sleep and the human population would make it about four days. That's just stupid.
Good things for myself do not equate bad. But that shouldn't be my focus. Everything in life has been designed to work in harmony with everything else and I should be a part of that system. That system is love.
I believe that is what being a Christian means. To be a loving person. And to be a loving person, like, always. In general. To everyone. Everything.
I believe that God created the universe. I have come to believe that the universe works in harmony with itself and all its respective pieces interact with all the other pieces because God is love. Not that God is a god of love like Mars is the god of war. I mean that God is love. It is His very nature. It defines His existence. And He created the universe. Therefore the basic moral and functional code of the universe is love.
I do not believe Christianity is following a bunch of rules. I do not believe that you have to follow "these" X number of steps or rules to find happiness or success. I do not believe you have do do X, Y, and Z to have a happy marriage. I believe that the answer to it all is love.
What is the meaning to life, the universe, and everything? (think deep for the 42 kudo points on this reference)
Love!
Why do we exist? To love!
What is the chief end of man? "To glorify God and enjoy Him forever." K, what does that mean? "Glorify God." How do we do that? How do you suppose we could glorify a God of love? A God whose very existence is love?
Honestly...no idea...
DUH, love!
"But what about me? If I'm so concerned about loving everyone else, who will love me?"
That is a valid question! Everyone needs to be loved. That is true. And not just loved, but people need to know they are loved. It doesn't count to love someone from a distance and do nothing about it. K, to be honest, that's not really love.
And here's a complication: people cannot love 100%. Humans are broken. I love my wife, but not perfectly. Sometimes, I just suck... :( I try to love her the best I can, but I honestly fail...sometimes with epicness.
So what do we do.
Remember that whole God is love thing? God loves us. God loves me. God loves you. And God loves perfectly. So, if God loves perfectly, I don't have to worry about it. I can love other people as best I can because I know I am covered.
The Ten Commandments (other than being a REALLY long movie) is a list of what things should and will look like when you love. They are NOT a list of what you should do to be a good Christian. Your goal in life should not be to be happy. Your goal in life should be to love. Because God is a God of love and he created the universe. When you love you get closer to God. You get closer to the One who created the universe. And that is a happy place.
When you love, you are closer to the heart, the core of the universe. When your goal is to be closer to God you end up getting closer to the fundamental fabric of the universe. And that's a good thing!
There are other issues that arise and questions that people ask about all of this: then why do bad things happen? If God loves everyone then why do people go to hell?
These are fantastic questions that should be asked. Secrets don't help. However, this blog is already really long so I'm gonna call it a night for now and delve into my thinking about some of those later this week.
Friday, May 8, 2015
Darkly (or - the dream I just had, coping with metal processing, 4:51 AM, and confusing steampunk)
And I just had the second worst dream I can remember.
It's 4:51 AM and I just finished writing it down. It was really vivid and I remembered it clearly even after being awake for a while to try and really wake up.
I turned it into something of a short horror story. Something like what a young Poe or Lovecraft would have written. 'Cept with fewer and generally shorter words.
I added a little here and there for the flow of it and tagged a cliche ending onto the end to wrap it up but easily 90% of this is what I just dreamed less than an hour ago.
[WARNING: The following contains violent and disturbing content. Reader discretion is advised]
And there you have it. I don't know where that came from and I hope it stays away! There was other stuff too before that that I can remember.
I was on a large, floating city-scape similar to Columbia from Bioshock: Infinity. It was a large city and I felt like I had been there before in a dream. I definitely haven't though. It was just dream de-ja-vu. There was something about cars. Flying cars. The looked normal though. At least, normal from like, the 1950s or something. Everything had that Bioshock antiquity/steampunk vibe to it. I was in a car and ascending on a pully system into the clouds. The pully system became the rigging on a sailing ship. I was climbing under the ship to get to a specific door on the side and steal something from one of the crew's rooms. I punched a hole in the wall to peek inside. Sadly the outter wall of the ship was about 2mm thick so I don't think it would have done much good on open water but oh well. I went inside but was found before I got anything. I jumped out and one of the soldiers chased me. They were foreign but not really from anywhere. Dark skinned with weird, non-existant south-European accents. We swam away from the ship.......all the way to America?! I know this was from my head but I hadn't really thought through this part until just now. So it sounds pretty odd to me too. We went to my epic apartment where the soldier turned into the loud old fat guy from the remake Ocean's 11. ?!?! We had a pleasant chat and cleared things up from the ship raid. I apparently had a plot twist where I removed a face piece that helped me talk differently to reveal I was not Matt Damon but was actually Leonardo DiCaprio! But when I look in the mirror next to me I still looked like Matt Damon but really thin like Christian Bale from the Machinist. Then the guy left and that's when the trippy stuff started happening.
What?!?!?!?!
Idk, whatevs...
I'm feeling better now so I'm gonna try to get back to sleep. I'm off tomorrow...today so I'm gonna see if sleeping in works after this.
Sheesh...
It's 4:51 AM and I just finished writing it down. It was really vivid and I remembered it clearly even after being awake for a while to try and really wake up.
I turned it into something of a short horror story. Something like what a young Poe or Lovecraft would have written. 'Cept with fewer and generally shorter words.
I added a little here and there for the flow of it and tagged a cliche ending onto the end to wrap it up but easily 90% of this is what I just dreamed less than an hour ago.
[WARNING: The following contains violent and disturbing content. Reader discretion is advised]
I’m watching him go out the door.
I had a good time catching up with an old friend. It was a pleasant visit; I can feel the last
bit of a smile on the corners of my mouth.
A realization comes: it was an event on a timeline. But what comes next? Have I forgotten? It was important.
The door closes in front of me and I see myself in a dim reflection on
the patterned glass. I was staring at my
friend, watching him leave, waving “goodbye.”
Now I’m staring at myself, my smile is gone, but I’m still waving.
My wife walks up behind me smiling gently looking slightly up at me. For a moment our eyes meet in the door glass
and I can see the love in her gaze. Then
I feel a sharp pain in my left side just below my shoulder blade.
I remember!
Frantically, I turn around and see my wife standing there with a bloody
kitchen knife. The love on her face is
replaced with pure madness. I pull my
left arm back behind me for a moment and can see fresh blood on my elbow. It’s slowly getting harder to breathe.
This was it. This is what I was
supposed to remember: the twist, the next event on the timeline. How could I forget? How could I remember?...
She is laughing now. She sees I
remembered, but not in time. I grab her
hands to keep her from stabbing me again.
She resists…somewhat. She’s just
laughing.
I try to form a sentence. I’m in
pain. Every breath feels like she is
stabbing me again. I’m confused. My wife…
My blood…
She responds to the words I never say.
“The look, the look on your face?!” she gets out between her hysterics.
I finally force the knife out of her hand but she does nothing. She just falls to the ground giggling like a
school girl.
I don’t even recognize her any more.
“What?... But, how?...”
I don’t even know what to ask.
“You don’t really remember, do you?” she asks sardonically. “How could you forget? I’ve seen it already?”
She’s mocking me now. She wants me
to know.
I charge forward and her tone changes.
She replaces her smile with a confused grimace. I grab her with my empty hand and turn her
over face down on the ground. I’m
sitting on her now so she can’t react, or even move.
“What happens to me now?” I have
to know the next event!
She starts laughing again. It’s
sinister.
“Tell me!”
My wife turns her head and looks at me sideways.
“Now you die!” she says elated.
I can’t wrap my head around it. My wife just murdered me! Why couldn’t I remember? Now there’s nothing I can do. I’m already as good as dead.
This is not my wife…it can’t be…
I turn her over onto her side. She
looks fulfilled. She doesn’t seem to
care anymore.
Out of anger, confusion, and pity I stab the knife into her side. I shock myself and pull the knife back
out. It didn’t cut deep.
At first she is a little surprised but then relaxes. Her face calms as she accepts her fate.
“You’ll have to finish it now you know?” she tells me. She makes it sound like a sadistic dare.
She starts to fight back kicking and throwing herself around; like she’s
making this into a game. I stab her
again between the ribs into her left lung.
She gasps sharply and bends back.
She keeps fighting me but with less enthusiasm now. I stab her again in the right lung and again
she reacts.
So she does feel pain…
I grab her wrists to keep her from struggling.
“Oh just let me die!” she rebukes.
It’s like she’s talking to a child.
I let go, stand up, and step back just to watch. She is still lying belly down but bent
backwards in pain and facing forward.
She knew this was coming and did nothing. She is content now. She wants to die.
And I killed her. I stabbed
her. Three times.
Because she killed me.
I am dying.
I can’t breathe…
I wake up shaking in a cold sweat.
“What was that?”
Reality is starting to set in. It
was a dream. I’m awake now. I look beside me and see my wife lying there
peacefully asleep.
Then the dream sets in. A mix of
emotions washes over me as tears fall from my face. I get up and walk into the bathroom. I stand at the sink a minute and let the
dream wear off as I try to calm myself.
I wash my face with cold water and stare at myself in the mirror. I hear my wife stir from the bed and walk in
behind me.
“Are you alright?” she asks groggily.
I stand silently. I don’t know
what to say.
My wife walks up behind me smiling gently looking slightly up at me. For a moment our eyes meet in the door glass
and I can see the love in her gaze. Then
I feel a sharp pain in my left side just below my shoulder blade.
Had I forgotten?
I was on a large, floating city-scape similar to Columbia from Bioshock: Infinity. It was a large city and I felt like I had been there before in a dream. I definitely haven't though. It was just dream de-ja-vu. There was something about cars. Flying cars. The looked normal though. At least, normal from like, the 1950s or something. Everything had that Bioshock antiquity/steampunk vibe to it. I was in a car and ascending on a pully system into the clouds. The pully system became the rigging on a sailing ship. I was climbing under the ship to get to a specific door on the side and steal something from one of the crew's rooms. I punched a hole in the wall to peek inside. Sadly the outter wall of the ship was about 2mm thick so I don't think it would have done much good on open water but oh well. I went inside but was found before I got anything. I jumped out and one of the soldiers chased me. They were foreign but not really from anywhere. Dark skinned with weird, non-existant south-European accents. We swam away from the ship.......all the way to America?! I know this was from my head but I hadn't really thought through this part until just now. So it sounds pretty odd to me too. We went to my epic apartment where the soldier turned into the loud old fat guy from the remake Ocean's 11. ?!?! We had a pleasant chat and cleared things up from the ship raid. I apparently had a plot twist where I removed a face piece that helped me talk differently to reveal I was not Matt Damon but was actually Leonardo DiCaprio! But when I look in the mirror next to me I still looked like Matt Damon but really thin like Christian Bale from the Machinist. Then the guy left and that's when the trippy stuff started happening.
What?!?!?!?!
Idk, whatevs...
I'm feeling better now so I'm gonna try to get back to sleep. I'm off tomorrow...today so I'm gonna see if sleeping in works after this.
Sheesh...
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Love (or - my thoughts on the recent riots, a basic problem with society, a lot of disclaimers, and the word "bleacgh")
In an effort to compensate for the utter lack of bloggage last week I am posting twice this week.
[CONTROVERSIAL CONTENT PROXIMITY WARNING]
I'm sorry for any inconvenience that may occur from any way you take anything I said, say, or will say...except not really.
I want to make sure everyone understands: I'm not a mean person! I try not to be rude. I try to avoid confrontation. I don't like it! It's awkward and honestly, it's usually a waste of time.
However, I do live my the idea that I really don't care what most people think about me. I just don't. There are a few people that I know well that know me well and I trust and respect their opinion. That being said, I don't follow all the advice they give me and I don't always do things based on what they say. I am me, and for the most part, I like me! The things I don't like I am trying to change. The things I can't change, I'm learning to live with. :D
Anyways...
In light of the recent riots, I have something I want to say.
First of all: I don't claim to know very much about what is going on. And I don't want to know. I'm a cynic. I don't need to know all the little details about how broken the world is. I'm well aware it is broken.
And about not knowing or wanting to know... I was having a discussion similar to what I am writing about and apparently I sounded apathetic or something about the plights of others. I was then confronted with, "So what, you just sit there and do nothing about Christians being killed by ISIS until they're knocking on your door?"
My answer is simple: duh! I'm sorry if that sounds rude, or mean, or heartless or whatever. But what am I supposed to do? I do not have the influence to bring the world together to oppose ISIS. I do not have the finances to travel and raise awareness about what ISIS is doing. I do not have the skills or personality to speak against ISIS and get people ready to act against them. I do not have the contacts so hire people to hunt down members of ISIS. So just what exactly am I supposed to do? So as long as ISIS stays out of my area of influence, no, there's not really much I can do, is there? I can pray. And that's really about it. Granted, I believe that prayer can do a lot (yes, calm down, I am one of those people) but that's really all I've got right now.
Do not mistake my ignorance for apathy, nor my apathy for ignorance. I keep the two separate. If I appear one way, it is for a reason and the other should not be assumed.
Second: I'm not writing to address the specifics about what has been going on with ISIS or with the riots. I am writing about the general, underlying issues. It is relevant. I'm just not throwing around my two cents about something I know nothing about.
Speaking about something people are talking about without knowing anything about it: STATISTICS!!!
People say, "Blah blah number of black people were shot by cops."
[To be read in some over-the-top game show host kind of voice]
"Thank you for that random, non-specific, and worthless bit of information! Does anyone else have an equally ludicrous tidbit of about numbers?"
Then other people say, "Well yeah, but twice as many white people were shot by cops."
P.S. I do believe it is possible to actually speak in italics. And this is an example of when it happens.
This is usually where the debate ends or descends into total chaos.
How about this concept: NONE of that information is helpful for anything that is going on!!!
If you're going to argue about the racist nature of the police (which by the way is jobist, you're instantly prejudice (the exact thing you're ranting against), and you look like a dork) you have to look at a ridiculous number of statistics. And that won't even cut it because you're still stereotyping!!!!!!!!!!
How many black people committed crimes last year? How many white people committed crimes last year? How many black people were shot by the police last year? How many of those people were shot by white cops? How many white people were shot by cops last year? How many of those people were shot by black cops? How many black people live in the United States? How many white people live in the United States? How many of the people shot by police were shot during or after violent crimes, were armed, or were a threat to the police or civilians whether they were armed or not? What are the cities where these shooting took place? Of the places where these shooting occurred, how many of them were in areas where police officers have been shot? How many police officers were shot in each of these cities? How many of these officers are going to be a little more worried about the statistical probability of being shot themselves?
Slightly unrelated but equally important questions.
How many of these videos of police brutality and police shootings show the whole story? How often do these videos start right before the supposed "brutality". How many start with the crime? How many of them show what the criminal did to deserve or not deserve "brutality"? What is the actual definition of "brutality" and how can we say for sure whether something is "brutal"? (by the way, Google has the definition as "savage physical violence; great cruelty." The mildest definition of "savage" is "(of something bad or negative) very great; severe." And according to Google according to the law, "cruelty" is defined as "behavior that causes physical or mental harm to another, especially a spouse, whether intentionally or not.") So to me, the word "brutality" either sounds vary subjective or can only be defined by the one subjected to said brutality. So anyone playing the brutality card is kinda cheating unless they have actually talked to the victim. Just sayin...
To continue: Why do people only seem to care about the videos that are shoved in their faces on social media? How many crimes are committed a day that aren't publicized? How many times does a cop do something right that aren't publicized? Why do people rant and rave about the media distorting truth or straight up lying but they trust everything they see on their facebook wall or youtube without doing ANY kind of research?
Why do people just want to get their way? Why do people only care if their voice is heard?
*sigh*
As I said, the world is broken. It's sad. But it's true. And in my mind everyone has two choices about how to react to the world's brokenness.
1: Deal with it. That's it. It's that simple. What is having a hissy fit about it going to do?
2: Do your part to help fix it. Disclaimer: It can't be truly fixed. This world is broken so fundamentally that it cannot be fixed by human means. However, it can be better than it is! And doing our part is easy. Just love people!
Another disclaimer: I am not a flower child hippy. When I say love people I don't mean get all tripped on something and spread nasty diseases for free. I mean genuinely love people. Unfortunately, this is something that is not often taught in our society. People today have a hard time loving.
It may not seem like much but a lot of turmoil and friction between people can be solved just by loving. No matter what your belief is on the creation of the universe we can all agree that the entire universe was made to interact as a single unit. By this I mean there are not stand alone energies or entities. Everything serves a purpose for the greater good of everything else. Call it the circle of life (and now we all have it stuck in our heads) or what have you: everything serves something else.
So why do we think people are exempt from that?
Why do people lie around doing nothing for anyone else and only thinking about themselves? And why are others of us ok with that? And no, I'm not just talking about low income people waiting for their monthly check coming in from the taxes paid by high income people. I am talking about them. But I'm also talking about the high income people who go to their workplace in the morning, ignore the needs of all their employees, fire and hire based on numbers alone, make a paycheck, and then go home to isolate themselves from the rest of the world. I'm also talking about the middle class people who go to work, cut people off without using their turn signal, come home to their spouse and kids, and then lock themselves in a room with their (fill in the blank with a hobby/more work). I'm talking about all these people.
Loving people means doing things with their benefit in mind. What does it benefit me that I pick up flowers for my wife on the way home? It really doesn't. I have to spend an extra ten minutes NOT at home at the end of a work day. I have to go SHOPPING!!! Bleacgh... And I have to spend money that's not in the budget. I don't get flowers for my wife because it benefits me. I get them because I love her and I want her to be happy. That's it. I do it because I love her.
And that's a small, every day kind of love. There's so much more that can be done.
"But what about me? How will I be taken care of if I'm busy loving other people all the time?"
Ok, if you asked that question, you might be a jerk. You might not be! It's a logical question to ask. If I'm giving, how do I receive? Sure. However, that's not usually asked in an objective, I-love-loving-other-people-I-just-want-to-make-sure kind of way.
Answer: if the universe was made to service the rest of the universe, wouldn't it follow that we were made to love? And if we were made to love wouldn't it then be fulfilling to love? Trust me, the universal system won't break because you're doing something you were meant to do. Just sayin...
[CONTROVERSIAL CONTENT PROXIMITY WARNING]
I'm sorry for any inconvenience that may occur from any way you take anything I said, say, or will say...except not really.
I want to make sure everyone understands: I'm not a mean person! I try not to be rude. I try to avoid confrontation. I don't like it! It's awkward and honestly, it's usually a waste of time.
However, I do live my the idea that I really don't care what most people think about me. I just don't. There are a few people that I know well that know me well and I trust and respect their opinion. That being said, I don't follow all the advice they give me and I don't always do things based on what they say. I am me, and for the most part, I like me! The things I don't like I am trying to change. The things I can't change, I'm learning to live with. :D
Anyways...
In light of the recent riots, I have something I want to say.
First of all: I don't claim to know very much about what is going on. And I don't want to know. I'm a cynic. I don't need to know all the little details about how broken the world is. I'm well aware it is broken.
And about not knowing or wanting to know... I was having a discussion similar to what I am writing about and apparently I sounded apathetic or something about the plights of others. I was then confronted with, "So what, you just sit there and do nothing about Christians being killed by ISIS until they're knocking on your door?"
My answer is simple: duh! I'm sorry if that sounds rude, or mean, or heartless or whatever. But what am I supposed to do? I do not have the influence to bring the world together to oppose ISIS. I do not have the finances to travel and raise awareness about what ISIS is doing. I do not have the skills or personality to speak against ISIS and get people ready to act against them. I do not have the contacts so hire people to hunt down members of ISIS. So just what exactly am I supposed to do? So as long as ISIS stays out of my area of influence, no, there's not really much I can do, is there? I can pray. And that's really about it. Granted, I believe that prayer can do a lot (yes, calm down, I am one of those people) but that's really all I've got right now.
Do not mistake my ignorance for apathy, nor my apathy for ignorance. I keep the two separate. If I appear one way, it is for a reason and the other should not be assumed.
Second: I'm not writing to address the specifics about what has been going on with ISIS or with the riots. I am writing about the general, underlying issues. It is relevant. I'm just not throwing around my two cents about something I know nothing about.
Speaking about something people are talking about without knowing anything about it: STATISTICS!!!
People say, "Blah blah number of black people were shot by cops."
[To be read in some over-the-top game show host kind of voice]
"Thank you for that random, non-specific, and worthless bit of information! Does anyone else have an equally ludicrous tidbit of about numbers?"
Then other people say, "Well yeah, but twice as many white people were shot by cops."
P.S. I do believe it is possible to actually speak in italics. And this is an example of when it happens.
This is usually where the debate ends or descends into total chaos.
How about this concept: NONE of that information is helpful for anything that is going on!!!
If you're going to argue about the racist nature of the police (which by the way is jobist, you're instantly prejudice (the exact thing you're ranting against), and you look like a dork) you have to look at a ridiculous number of statistics. And that won't even cut it because you're still stereotyping!!!!!!!!!!
How many black people committed crimes last year? How many white people committed crimes last year? How many black people were shot by the police last year? How many of those people were shot by white cops? How many white people were shot by cops last year? How many of those people were shot by black cops? How many black people live in the United States? How many white people live in the United States? How many of the people shot by police were shot during or after violent crimes, were armed, or were a threat to the police or civilians whether they were armed or not? What are the cities where these shooting took place? Of the places where these shooting occurred, how many of them were in areas where police officers have been shot? How many police officers were shot in each of these cities? How many of these officers are going to be a little more worried about the statistical probability of being shot themselves?
Slightly unrelated but equally important questions.
How many of these videos of police brutality and police shootings show the whole story? How often do these videos start right before the supposed "brutality". How many start with the crime? How many of them show what the criminal did to deserve or not deserve "brutality"? What is the actual definition of "brutality" and how can we say for sure whether something is "brutal"? (by the way, Google has the definition as "savage physical violence; great cruelty." The mildest definition of "savage" is "(of something bad or negative) very great; severe." And according to Google according to the law, "cruelty" is defined as "behavior that causes physical or mental harm to another, especially a spouse, whether intentionally or not.") So to me, the word "brutality" either sounds vary subjective or can only be defined by the one subjected to said brutality. So anyone playing the brutality card is kinda cheating unless they have actually talked to the victim. Just sayin...
To continue: Why do people only seem to care about the videos that are shoved in their faces on social media? How many crimes are committed a day that aren't publicized? How many times does a cop do something right that aren't publicized? Why do people rant and rave about the media distorting truth or straight up lying but they trust everything they see on their facebook wall or youtube without doing ANY kind of research?
Why do people just want to get their way? Why do people only care if their voice is heard?
*sigh*
As I said, the world is broken. It's sad. But it's true. And in my mind everyone has two choices about how to react to the world's brokenness.
1: Deal with it. That's it. It's that simple. What is having a hissy fit about it going to do?
2: Do your part to help fix it. Disclaimer: It can't be truly fixed. This world is broken so fundamentally that it cannot be fixed by human means. However, it can be better than it is! And doing our part is easy. Just love people!
Another disclaimer: I am not a flower child hippy. When I say love people I don't mean get all tripped on something and spread nasty diseases for free. I mean genuinely love people. Unfortunately, this is something that is not often taught in our society. People today have a hard time loving.
It may not seem like much but a lot of turmoil and friction between people can be solved just by loving. No matter what your belief is on the creation of the universe we can all agree that the entire universe was made to interact as a single unit. By this I mean there are not stand alone energies or entities. Everything serves a purpose for the greater good of everything else. Call it the circle of life (and now we all have it stuck in our heads) or what have you: everything serves something else.
So why do we think people are exempt from that?
Why do people lie around doing nothing for anyone else and only thinking about themselves? And why are others of us ok with that? And no, I'm not just talking about low income people waiting for their monthly check coming in from the taxes paid by high income people. I am talking about them. But I'm also talking about the high income people who go to their workplace in the morning, ignore the needs of all their employees, fire and hire based on numbers alone, make a paycheck, and then go home to isolate themselves from the rest of the world. I'm also talking about the middle class people who go to work, cut people off without using their turn signal, come home to their spouse and kids, and then lock themselves in a room with their (fill in the blank with a hobby/more work). I'm talking about all these people.
Loving people means doing things with their benefit in mind. What does it benefit me that I pick up flowers for my wife on the way home? It really doesn't. I have to spend an extra ten minutes NOT at home at the end of a work day. I have to go SHOPPING!!! Bleacgh... And I have to spend money that's not in the budget. I don't get flowers for my wife because it benefits me. I get them because I love her and I want her to be happy. That's it. I do it because I love her.
And that's a small, every day kind of love. There's so much more that can be done.
"But what about me? How will I be taken care of if I'm busy loving other people all the time?"
Ok, if you asked that question, you might be a jerk. You might not be! It's a logical question to ask. If I'm giving, how do I receive? Sure. However, that's not usually asked in an objective, I-love-loving-other-people-I-just-want-to-make-sure kind of way.
Answer: if the universe was made to service the rest of the universe, wouldn't it follow that we were made to love? And if we were made to love wouldn't it then be fulfilling to love? Trust me, the universal system won't break because you're doing something you were meant to do. Just sayin...
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Philosophy of Creation (or - how I write music, why I walk funny, the frequency of nasal passages, and rolling in lame)
I was lame last week and didn't post anything.
This week I am less lame.
And for this weeks post: a little glimpse into my head. Or, at least as much of my head as I can put down in words after a tiring brain day.
To explain: I picked out four weeks worth of music for worship services this morning. I got into my office at 9:00 ad left around 12:30. Not too many hours but sifting through that much music and matching it to themes and everything is mentally taxing. That and I stayed up late last night watching Interstellar (which I enjoyed) and playing Payday 2 (which I also enjoyed).
Anyways...
I doubt anyone reading this has read any of the novels based on the Myst computer game series mythology but I am going to reference it. In these stories there are an ancient race of people called the D'ni. The D'ni create worlds by writing in books. They have to describe the world and its peoples correctly and exactly or else the world is unstable and collapses. Things can be omitted but striking a single line has extensive consequences. Through the story Book of Atrus there are two theories about the creation of worlds. Some D'ni believe that the studying of science and the writing of worlds actually creates worlds and the links to them. Other D'ni believe that the worlds already exist and that by writing in the books they simply discover the links to those worlds.
This is relevant.
When I have written some of my best music I feel like the later D'ni. It may sound weird (k, I admit it is a little weird) but sometimes when I write music I can hear it in my head. I heard a melody and chords in my head. I don't know exactly what everything is or how it fits together but I can hear it clearly and I can play it in real time as I hear it. There have been times where I have played and didn't even really know where the song was going or what chord I was going to play next but my fingers went there and it sounded great. That is partially due to many years of playing and practicing and I know where chord shapes are and their relation to each other. But the chord progressions and melodies are new.
So I write out what I hear and what I just played and I can hear the melody continuing. Sometimes I have to stop and figure out what it is before writing it down and sometimes I can figure it out and write it down right away.
And then I get stuck.
I went to college and have a degree in theory and composition so I know how music works. I know how to write music. I know how to analyze music. Like everyone else who does anything with an amount of creativity I get stuck. I get writers block. I have techniques I have learned and made up to spin long pieces of music out of a few notes. I can make something up even when I don't feel inspired. But the best music I have written has come when I have writers block and I just sit there at the piano...and listen. I replay what I have so far either on the piano or just in my head and listen to where it goes next. And it usually goes somewhere I don't expect it to. Or somewhere it wouldn't have if I had forced something out using a writing technique. I feel when I have a good song, it writes itself.
My philosophy: I feel I am the medium between great pieces of music and everything else. I hear great music and write it out.
There are definitely times when I use my knowledge of theory and I use composition techniques to make songs better. Sometimes what comes out is very rough around the edges and needs a little polishing. Sometimes it needs a lot of polishing. But the basic idea is there. What's fantastic, and admittedly doesn't happen very often, is when the song just pops out and poof, it's done! I think that happened once....
Not everyone writes this way. And that's a good thing! It takes too long. There wouldn't be a lot of music out there if people only sat around waiting to be inspired. There are entire genres of music dedicated to systematic and calculated creation. And that's just fine. I have written some music like that.
And I've written music that didn't write itself and it's been good. It's not like only my good songs come out this way. Just my best ones so far.
So that's a little about how I write music.
Here are a few other interesting tid bits that not everyone knows. Maybe they shouldn't.......oh well!
I don't like to step on lines.
No, not real lines. Just lines in my head.
Let me 'splain: When a wall, piece or furniture, or very prominent carpet patters come together at a strong angle I imagine a line coming off the angle. (the next sentence bay be difficult for some readers) For example, if I see a wall that ends at a 90 degree angle, I imagine a line coming off the point 135 degrees from either wall (or at a compromised 45 degree angle). The corner of the wall is pointing at something and I don't step on the line it is using to point. I do this. All the time.
There is a coffee table at my parents house. When I am on the phone in their living room I walk around the coffee table. It has four legs and each leg is a square with pointed corners.
The big square is the table
The little squares are the legs
The lines are...the lines. But the lines in my head.
The little black circles are where I step.
This is a common thing. And not just with the coffee table. Stepping through doorways, through kitchens with furniture and cabinets, etc...
I also like things to be even. If something brushes me on my left arm my right arm feels like it's left out. It needs to be brushed. But not just generically brushed but with the same firmness and texture as the other brush.
This doesn't count for itches or irritations. It's more for randomness like when I'm walking and bump the toe of my shoe against the ground. If you pay close attention (I don't know why you would) I will then spend an unhealthy amount of time trying to bump my other foot on the ground for an equivalent impact. I will even bump it several times if I have too. However, if I feel I have impacted my second foot more than my first, yes, I go back and bump my first foot again.
As I am writing this I just scratched my left cheek because of a mild irritation and then my right cheek to balance the sensory input.
I don't even understand my own rules...
Walking down sidewalks is a problem.
I out the outside I'm walking like everyone else. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot, etc... However, unless I am having a conversation or have something using up brain processing power, I am paying attention to where my feet are landing. With my standard walking pace and the standard size of sidewalk squares I walk in two alternating sets of five steps.
First set: 1) Right foot steps on a space between squares at about the toe joint. 2) Left foot steps between squares. 3) Right foot steps on a space between square just before the heel. 4) Left foot steps between squares. 5) Right foot steps between squares.
Second set: 1) Left foot steps on a space between squares at about the toe joint. 2) Right foot steps between squares. 3) Left foot steps on a space between square just before the heel. 4) Right foot steps between squares. 5) Left foot steps between squares.
Also, I can't sleep at night if one of my nostrils is whistling when I exhale. However, I imagine that is slightly more common than the previous things.
That's about all I can think of right now. I have other issues and soap boxes I'd like to rant about but honestly, I'm too tired to rant right now. I'm feeling lame and I'm gonna roll around in it for a bit.
This week I am less lame.
And for this weeks post: a little glimpse into my head. Or, at least as much of my head as I can put down in words after a tiring brain day.
To explain: I picked out four weeks worth of music for worship services this morning. I got into my office at 9:00 ad left around 12:30. Not too many hours but sifting through that much music and matching it to themes and everything is mentally taxing. That and I stayed up late last night watching Interstellar (which I enjoyed) and playing Payday 2 (which I also enjoyed).
Anyways...
I doubt anyone reading this has read any of the novels based on the Myst computer game series mythology but I am going to reference it. In these stories there are an ancient race of people called the D'ni. The D'ni create worlds by writing in books. They have to describe the world and its peoples correctly and exactly or else the world is unstable and collapses. Things can be omitted but striking a single line has extensive consequences. Through the story Book of Atrus there are two theories about the creation of worlds. Some D'ni believe that the studying of science and the writing of worlds actually creates worlds and the links to them. Other D'ni believe that the worlds already exist and that by writing in the books they simply discover the links to those worlds.
This is relevant.
When I have written some of my best music I feel like the later D'ni. It may sound weird (k, I admit it is a little weird) but sometimes when I write music I can hear it in my head. I heard a melody and chords in my head. I don't know exactly what everything is or how it fits together but I can hear it clearly and I can play it in real time as I hear it. There have been times where I have played and didn't even really know where the song was going or what chord I was going to play next but my fingers went there and it sounded great. That is partially due to many years of playing and practicing and I know where chord shapes are and their relation to each other. But the chord progressions and melodies are new.
So I write out what I hear and what I just played and I can hear the melody continuing. Sometimes I have to stop and figure out what it is before writing it down and sometimes I can figure it out and write it down right away.
And then I get stuck.
I went to college and have a degree in theory and composition so I know how music works. I know how to write music. I know how to analyze music. Like everyone else who does anything with an amount of creativity I get stuck. I get writers block. I have techniques I have learned and made up to spin long pieces of music out of a few notes. I can make something up even when I don't feel inspired. But the best music I have written has come when I have writers block and I just sit there at the piano...and listen. I replay what I have so far either on the piano or just in my head and listen to where it goes next. And it usually goes somewhere I don't expect it to. Or somewhere it wouldn't have if I had forced something out using a writing technique. I feel when I have a good song, it writes itself.
My philosophy: I feel I am the medium between great pieces of music and everything else. I hear great music and write it out.
There are definitely times when I use my knowledge of theory and I use composition techniques to make songs better. Sometimes what comes out is very rough around the edges and needs a little polishing. Sometimes it needs a lot of polishing. But the basic idea is there. What's fantastic, and admittedly doesn't happen very often, is when the song just pops out and poof, it's done! I think that happened once....
Not everyone writes this way. And that's a good thing! It takes too long. There wouldn't be a lot of music out there if people only sat around waiting to be inspired. There are entire genres of music dedicated to systematic and calculated creation. And that's just fine. I have written some music like that.
And I've written music that didn't write itself and it's been good. It's not like only my good songs come out this way. Just my best ones so far.
So that's a little about how I write music.
Here are a few other interesting tid bits that not everyone knows. Maybe they shouldn't.......oh well!
I don't like to step on lines.
No, not real lines. Just lines in my head.
Let me 'splain: When a wall, piece or furniture, or very prominent carpet patters come together at a strong angle I imagine a line coming off the angle. (the next sentence bay be difficult for some readers) For example, if I see a wall that ends at a 90 degree angle, I imagine a line coming off the point 135 degrees from either wall (or at a compromised 45 degree angle). The corner of the wall is pointing at something and I don't step on the line it is using to point. I do this. All the time.
There is a coffee table at my parents house. When I am on the phone in their living room I walk around the coffee table. It has four legs and each leg is a square with pointed corners.
The little squares are the legs
The lines are...the lines. But the lines in my head.
The little black circles are where I step.
This is a common thing. And not just with the coffee table. Stepping through doorways, through kitchens with furniture and cabinets, etc...
I also like things to be even. If something brushes me on my left arm my right arm feels like it's left out. It needs to be brushed. But not just generically brushed but with the same firmness and texture as the other brush.
This doesn't count for itches or irritations. It's more for randomness like when I'm walking and bump the toe of my shoe against the ground. If you pay close attention (I don't know why you would) I will then spend an unhealthy amount of time trying to bump my other foot on the ground for an equivalent impact. I will even bump it several times if I have too. However, if I feel I have impacted my second foot more than my first, yes, I go back and bump my first foot again.
As I am writing this I just scratched my left cheek because of a mild irritation and then my right cheek to balance the sensory input.
I don't even understand my own rules...
Walking down sidewalks is a problem.
I out the outside I'm walking like everyone else. Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot, etc... However, unless I am having a conversation or have something using up brain processing power, I am paying attention to where my feet are landing. With my standard walking pace and the standard size of sidewalk squares I walk in two alternating sets of five steps.
First set: 1) Right foot steps on a space between squares at about the toe joint. 2) Left foot steps between squares. 3) Right foot steps on a space between square just before the heel. 4) Left foot steps between squares. 5) Right foot steps between squares.
Second set: 1) Left foot steps on a space between squares at about the toe joint. 2) Right foot steps between squares. 3) Left foot steps on a space between square just before the heel. 4) Right foot steps between squares. 5) Left foot steps between squares.
Also, I can't sleep at night if one of my nostrils is whistling when I exhale. However, I imagine that is slightly more common than the previous things.
That's about all I can think of right now. I have other issues and soap boxes I'd like to rant about but honestly, I'm too tired to rant right now. I'm feeling lame and I'm gonna roll around in it for a bit.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Relationships (or - Bedtime sleepy music, teenage angst, aging, and book covers)
Ok, so writing every Monday isn't working well. Whatever...
I'm sitting here listening to The Hymn of Acxiom by Vienna Teng getting ready to go to sleep. This is by far one of the most peaceful, beautiful song I have ever heard. That being said, it is creepy as all get out when you look up and listen to the lyrics. But as background music it puts me right to sleep! Just sayin'.
Also, I have been playing a lot of Assassin's Creed: Black Flag lately. I got it for my birthday two weeks ago and have been loving it! I had no idea it would be this much fun being a pirate. Character models are still stiff and funny looking and the controls work...most of the time. But the core game is just so much fun. It kinda takes me back to the original. The feeling of, "Sure, this could be done a little better, but I've never done stuff like this before and I love it so who cares?!"
Also, I had a birthday recently. I am now a quarter of a century old. Big land mark. Very exciting.
Probably my favorite thing about getting older is that I get to tell people that I'm older. I don't know what it is with our culture but there seems to be a sever lack of respect due to people's age. It feels like young people disrespect old people because they are just old, they don't understand, they're backwards, etc... Young people do not understand or value the experience and wisdom that comes with age. Honestly, even a dumb old person has more knowledge than a young person. They've been around longer and survived. They must be doing SOMETHING right!
Full disclosure: I am guilty of judging the elderly. My bad. I'm working on that.
And on the flip side, older people seem to judge younger people just because they are young, inexperienced, naive, reckless, etc...
Full disclosure: I'm getting REALLY tired of being judged because I'm young.
I don't know how many times I've gotten the, "Oh you're young, you probably don't understand" talk. It really bothers me.
Get this: I am now 25 years old. I have been playing piano for 15 years and had hundreds of performances. I've played both football and basketball and am pretty good at both. I graduated high school at 16 and scored high enough on the GED to go to a community college on track to get a music degree at ASU. I went to Africa (my 4th time leaving the country) when I was 18. I spent 8 weeks in Malawi, Africa teaching music lessons to college students. I have a long list of jobs worked and skills acquired at each which some will take to mean I can't keep a job. What it really states is that I have a very diverse professional skill set that I've been building up for the past 7 years. I leave jobs not because I can't keep them (I've only been fired once and that was because of behind the scenes politics and favoritism) but because I keep putting myself into better and better positions. Every time I move it is to a better neighborhood with better space and rent. I have moved across the continent 3 times and have now landed myself a good position as a music/worship leader at a church. Small church = small salary but hey, it's way better than sales or food services! I will have been married for 5 years this July and we are still super happy together!!!!!! I'm also tired of the, "Oh, you're still in the honeymoon stage" stupidness. Look, just because you chose poorly and are no longer happy with your spouse doesn't mean I made the same mistake. 5 years and we are still thrilled to spend time together after work and are really happy to be the last people we see before bed and the first people to see in the morning.
I had a GPA of 3.65 upon graduation without even caring. I studied, kinda, and just got through. I have a very successful marriage, live in a nice place, and have a great job. I have a very short list of "enemies" and never actually come into contact with any of them.
In short: I am well aware that I am only 25 years old but that does not mean that I am naive, incompetent, or close-minded.
As a rule of thumb: it's not only rude to judge people before you get to know them based on............pretty much anything, but it's also stupid. Honestly, everyone says, "Don't judge a book by its cover" but SO much of our society is based of judging without knowing!!! It would be like me giving a review of the book Moby Dick. I haven't read the book so it would be stupid of me to write a review. And it would be stupid of anyone to take anything in said review seriously and live according to it.
The same thing goes with people.
Let me give an example. When I was in my young teens I wore a lot of dark clothing. Basically all I owned was jeans and black tee shirts. I wore large skater shoes and chains to top it off. I didn't talk much and kept largely to myself. I listened to Evanescence and Linkin Park.
Keep in mind I was in the youth group and my dad was the pastor.
Now, you see a kid like that and what do you think? What are your thoughts when you see a kid like that standing in the corner of the room watching everyone.
Just think about it for a sec...
Now let me tell you what was going on in my head and life. I had a group of friends that I had grown up with and abandoned me on a whim for the "new kid". I felt betrayed by many people that I knew, had trusted, and in some cases, thought I had loved. All my relationships with anyone at the church were superficial and fake. It bothered me. I started going to college and nothing changed. I hated going outside. I hated being in large groups of people. People didn't care.
I wore dark colors and dressed like the fringe cultures to hide behind stereotypes. I didn't want people to think I was friendly so they could start shallow conversations with me and create surface-y relationships. I lived with the idea that I would rather be alone than with shallow "friends". I figured that if someone was willing to talk to me, to take time and try to get to know me in spite of my outward appearance that they might be worth getting to know. The other side was also true. I figured if someone was going to judge me because of what I wore or was intimidated by what I wore then I didn't want to get to know them either.
A few people did get to know me. And honestly, it was great! I really appreciate them. And one of those people I ended up falling in love with and we got married 5 years ago.
Don't judge just because of what someone has chosen to look like. People are not mistakes and neither is what they wear, say, or do. Take time to get to know someone new. Take time to get to know someone you normally wouldn't. You'll end up learning something.
Pretty much every time I see some video online of two morons yelling at each other and punching each other it starts with assumptions. It's just stupid and it never works. So just don't.
Now, you're not going to get along with everyone. Some personalities, even if there's nothing wrong with either person, just don't get along. Even if they don't cause problems they just don't click. Sure. That's a thing. Don't worry about that. Not everyone has to be a life-long friend. Some people don't get along with anyone because they have chosen to react poorly to their life. That's an instance where you can get to know someone, pity them, and just avoid them so you don't end up punching them in the kidney. Which is mean. Don't do that either.
I'm sitting here listening to The Hymn of Acxiom by Vienna Teng getting ready to go to sleep. This is by far one of the most peaceful, beautiful song I have ever heard. That being said, it is creepy as all get out when you look up and listen to the lyrics. But as background music it puts me right to sleep! Just sayin'.
Also, I have been playing a lot of Assassin's Creed: Black Flag lately. I got it for my birthday two weeks ago and have been loving it! I had no idea it would be this much fun being a pirate. Character models are still stiff and funny looking and the controls work...most of the time. But the core game is just so much fun. It kinda takes me back to the original. The feeling of, "Sure, this could be done a little better, but I've never done stuff like this before and I love it so who cares?!"
Also, I had a birthday recently. I am now a quarter of a century old. Big land mark. Very exciting.
Probably my favorite thing about getting older is that I get to tell people that I'm older. I don't know what it is with our culture but there seems to be a sever lack of respect due to people's age. It feels like young people disrespect old people because they are just old, they don't understand, they're backwards, etc... Young people do not understand or value the experience and wisdom that comes with age. Honestly, even a dumb old person has more knowledge than a young person. They've been around longer and survived. They must be doing SOMETHING right!
Full disclosure: I am guilty of judging the elderly. My bad. I'm working on that.
And on the flip side, older people seem to judge younger people just because they are young, inexperienced, naive, reckless, etc...
Full disclosure: I'm getting REALLY tired of being judged because I'm young.
I don't know how many times I've gotten the, "Oh you're young, you probably don't understand" talk. It really bothers me.
Get this: I am now 25 years old. I have been playing piano for 15 years and had hundreds of performances. I've played both football and basketball and am pretty good at both. I graduated high school at 16 and scored high enough on the GED to go to a community college on track to get a music degree at ASU. I went to Africa (my 4th time leaving the country) when I was 18. I spent 8 weeks in Malawi, Africa teaching music lessons to college students. I have a long list of jobs worked and skills acquired at each which some will take to mean I can't keep a job. What it really states is that I have a very diverse professional skill set that I've been building up for the past 7 years. I leave jobs not because I can't keep them (I've only been fired once and that was because of behind the scenes politics and favoritism) but because I keep putting myself into better and better positions. Every time I move it is to a better neighborhood with better space and rent. I have moved across the continent 3 times and have now landed myself a good position as a music/worship leader at a church. Small church = small salary but hey, it's way better than sales or food services! I will have been married for 5 years this July and we are still super happy together!!!!!! I'm also tired of the, "Oh, you're still in the honeymoon stage" stupidness. Look, just because you chose poorly and are no longer happy with your spouse doesn't mean I made the same mistake. 5 years and we are still thrilled to spend time together after work and are really happy to be the last people we see before bed and the first people to see in the morning.
I had a GPA of 3.65 upon graduation without even caring. I studied, kinda, and just got through. I have a very successful marriage, live in a nice place, and have a great job. I have a very short list of "enemies" and never actually come into contact with any of them.
In short: I am well aware that I am only 25 years old but that does not mean that I am naive, incompetent, or close-minded.
As a rule of thumb: it's not only rude to judge people before you get to know them based on............pretty much anything, but it's also stupid. Honestly, everyone says, "Don't judge a book by its cover" but SO much of our society is based of judging without knowing!!! It would be like me giving a review of the book Moby Dick. I haven't read the book so it would be stupid of me to write a review. And it would be stupid of anyone to take anything in said review seriously and live according to it.
The same thing goes with people.
Let me give an example. When I was in my young teens I wore a lot of dark clothing. Basically all I owned was jeans and black tee shirts. I wore large skater shoes and chains to top it off. I didn't talk much and kept largely to myself. I listened to Evanescence and Linkin Park.
Keep in mind I was in the youth group and my dad was the pastor.
Now, you see a kid like that and what do you think? What are your thoughts when you see a kid like that standing in the corner of the room watching everyone.
Just think about it for a sec...
Now let me tell you what was going on in my head and life. I had a group of friends that I had grown up with and abandoned me on a whim for the "new kid". I felt betrayed by many people that I knew, had trusted, and in some cases, thought I had loved. All my relationships with anyone at the church were superficial and fake. It bothered me. I started going to college and nothing changed. I hated going outside. I hated being in large groups of people. People didn't care.
I wore dark colors and dressed like the fringe cultures to hide behind stereotypes. I didn't want people to think I was friendly so they could start shallow conversations with me and create surface-y relationships. I lived with the idea that I would rather be alone than with shallow "friends". I figured that if someone was willing to talk to me, to take time and try to get to know me in spite of my outward appearance that they might be worth getting to know. The other side was also true. I figured if someone was going to judge me because of what I wore or was intimidated by what I wore then I didn't want to get to know them either.
A few people did get to know me. And honestly, it was great! I really appreciate them. And one of those people I ended up falling in love with and we got married 5 years ago.
Don't judge just because of what someone has chosen to look like. People are not mistakes and neither is what they wear, say, or do. Take time to get to know someone new. Take time to get to know someone you normally wouldn't. You'll end up learning something.
Pretty much every time I see some video online of two morons yelling at each other and punching each other it starts with assumptions. It's just stupid and it never works. So just don't.
Now, you're not going to get along with everyone. Some personalities, even if there's nothing wrong with either person, just don't get along. Even if they don't cause problems they just don't click. Sure. That's a thing. Don't worry about that. Not everyone has to be a life-long friend. Some people don't get along with anyone because they have chosen to react poorly to their life. That's an instance where you can get to know someone, pity them, and just avoid them so you don't end up punching them in the kidney. Which is mean. Don't do that either.
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